You Always Were...You'll Always Be

Last December, I promised myself that I would purge myself of stuff that doesn't really matter. At the time, I was looking forward to moving (and I still am...somewhere) and this promise meant nothing more than to finally throw those old Chem notebooks and old high school t-shirts away. But lately (well....since January really) it's been going much deeper than that. I've been thinking a LOT about very specific goals I want to meet and when I want to meet them. I've asked myself one question over and over again:

What does it take to be happy?

Yeah...what does it take to be happy anyway? I haven't the foggiest notion...so I Googled* it. Then I thought some more. And you know what? I know what it takes to make me happy. I'm older, and now I realize it's going to take more than a new handbag and a trip to Sally to thrill me. It worked for so long**...I suppose I was too afraid to try to find something to fill the void.

(Side Note:)
I've always held onto things (objects, and people as well) for far to long. Trying to fit that rectangular friend into the circle slot in my heart works no better than it did with the wooden blocks I had as a child. Some things, no matter how right they seem, just aren't, and no amount of pushing is going to make them fit. I'm not going to push anymore.

So, I've got a list and a timeline. That works for me. I need something to work toward or I'll feel like I'm not doing anything. I've made a lot of important decisions over the past few months (and quite possibly the most important in the past few days) but it feels like I'm still at a standstill. But, I'm tired. I'm tired of a lot of things, but mostly I'm tired of standing. My feet need to move.

Today I took a half day at work. Last week I looked up an old friend that I'd had from 7th through 12th grades. We lost touch, as most people do, after graduation. I saw her last year, at a town schindig, but at the time I didn't realize it was her. She had a baby and to me, that was unfathomable (even though Best Friend and numerous other pals all have toddlers now). I was too afraid to talk to her then, but lately she's been on my mind. So we got together. And it wasn't bad at all.

So... baby steps. That's what I need. Doing it all at once is too overwhelming.

Pilates on Wednesday and baby steps. That's the ticket.

*I'm too embarrassed by my own nerdiness to post the link I found, but let me tell you, if you ever need a good kick in the pants or a place to start, email me and I'll send it to you.
**I'm an ex-Shopaholic...for serious.