Doing This For The Last Time

Laying on a blanket in my backyard, I hear the high-ptched giggles of kids still amazed by the darkness. For them, it's a magical time, about feeling brave, for being up late, with their actions covered in shadow. Some even dare to cross the street when they're sure mom and dad are hovering in front of the television.
I'm staring up at the stars, letting my mind flit wherever it may go, occassionally reaching up to cup a lightning bug that's flown too close in my hand. I watch it light for a while, then send it on it's way. As I'm mulling, my neighbor's dog, Sammy (you will know him as Butch), meanders over, licks my check and plops his old bones next to mine. I reach over and give him a pat on the back, and get an affectionate growl in return.
I wonder, why can't everything be that easy? Not even everything really, just people. Why can't we just tell each other what we want? How something feels? What one person needs from another? I can't understand why so much precious time is spent trying to figure these things out, desperately seacrching for clues, being out own detectives. And, why on those rare occassions that we hear what we thought we wanted, we only find that it wasn't what we expected? Then, we talk ourselves out of the fact we ever heard it.
I've never been an asker. I've been an assumer and a runner. I'll get an idea tugging at the back of my mind and it won't let go until I've done or said something (usually something screwy) about it. Once I've decided that things aren't the way they 'used to' be, I turn tail. Then, it's too late. Everything's shifterd to the wrong place. And there's no going back from that.
I whisper all these hypothesis to the stars as I continues to let my mind wander. I startle myself , when out of the silence come the murmer of my own voice.
"Things will never be the same" I say, as the stars I had been focusing on grow blurry.
I let my words seep in for a moment, then shake my head, and blink my eyes to refocus. I trace the patterns of The Big and Little Dippers with my finger, and realize that Lyra looks like a Jesus fish. Then I stand, shake my blanket off and head in for the night.

And before I sleep, I write my question on the smallest scrap of paper it will fit on, then tape it in the utmost corner of my closet.
It may not be the resolution I'm craving, but it's a start. Now comes the hard part...


Musically accurate lyrics tonight:
"Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe, believe in me, believe"-Smashing Pumpkins "Tonight, Tonight"