The Funnies

In my hometown, Wednesday was always the day the newspaper printed. The town was too small, and I suppose, there wasn't enough news, or crime, to constitute a daily paper, like most cities. I remember, in high school, every Wednesday, I'd drive up to Food City after school and buy a newspaper and bring home the 'big salad' for my mom and myself for dinner. I'd sit at the table or in the couch (usually the couch though) and eat my big salad, and read the "911 report" aloud. The 911 report was just what it sounds like. A print out of the previous week's 911 calls, published in the paper on the third page. This, by far was better than any entertainment television could provide (I didn't have internet * gasp*) and I looked forward to it every Wednesday. So, I give you:

The 911 Report

Keep in mind that you have to dig through a lot of mediocre reports to find the real gems. I dug through and found that these made me giggle:

7:07 a.m. – Caller from Williamsport advised her concrete steps were stolen. (Must have been a trailer?)

2:49 p.m. – Report of male subject in black pickup at Mayo Plaza exposing himself and engaging in sexual behavior.

8:04 a.m. – Report of burglary on Third St. Caller found window broken and napkin with blood on it. (OMINOUS)

11:36 a.m. – Caller advised her son, 53, had gone walking three days ago and was now missing. Subject has black hair and brown eyes and was wearing a sweatshirt and jeans.

(Then Also):

6:55 p.m. – Caller from Rt. 40 location advised they had received a call from the missing subject's mother, advised subject had called them from Tobacco Mart.

6:09 a.m. – Caller at Rt. 172 reported a possibly intoxicated male subject was beating on her door, requesting gas and a cigarette.

2:54 p.m. – Caller advised a lawnmower went over a hill at Noah Stapleton Br.; wrecker and traffic control needed.

9:39 a.m. – Caller at Chandler Dr. advised cat was stuck in tree. Dispatch advised caller the fire department doesn't help with that anymore.

12:25 a.m. – Report of house fire at Greasy Br. (Name of Branch made me think this was funny)

12:01 a.m. – Caller advised two male subjects yelled to his Chelsea Square Apts. residence, stating they were Paintsville Police and were investigating stolen goods

I think the one about the cat may be my favorite. I wonder why they don't do it anymore? It's not like they're horribly busy, I would think. It's a small town.

Who knows? If they go over well, I may just start putting them in every Wednesday.