Why I Can't Get Anything Done
9.07.2007
While checking my 'business' email this morning, I happened upon this little gem that didn't get caught by my spam filter:
Wassup Hormozian
change your life starting from today and get a bigger penis!
Something about the way this is written reminded me of those goofy after school specials that used to come on in the early to mid 90s. Anyone else remember those? "Hormozian" would be the last name of some little nerd boy with thick glasses and a pocket protector and he'd be standing by his locker, pushing the bridge of his glasses up his nose, staring longingly at the dance squad captain or some other girl "out of his league". Then, the school bully, an Eddie Haskell look-alike perhaps, would appear behind him and say that line, while handing him a bag of pills. Dave (Hormozian) would take the bag and quickly stuff it into his trapperkeeper with the puppies on it, and scoot on down the hall, embarrassed he'd been caught staring.
Later that night, Dave would be getting ready to start his homework when the bag of pills would fall in slow motion out of his trapper and plunk with an exaggerated, echoing thunk onto his desk, illuminated by his desk lamp. He would then, have a 'flash-forward' where he would consider the future. Take the pill and he would be instantly cool. He'd see himself at parties in smoke filled living rooms while parents were out of town, sitting next to dance squad girl while she smokes a fat one, then taking a hit himself and passing it on to some faceless kid at the party. He would imagine all the kids laughing as he looks around the room, the laughter getting more shrill and his vision (the camera) panning faster and faster around the faces until it was spinning out of control and the laughter was so shrill it was screaming. Then, Dave would snap out of this, obviously spooked by the flinch and shiver combo he does.
Finally, Dave would go downstairs with the bag behind his back to his parents. He'd place the bag slowly on the coffee table and say "I need to talk". Mr. and Mrs. Hormozian would look at each other, wondering is Dave had found their stash, but he confesses, spilling the whole day out for them through a few tears. They Tell him how proud they are of him, and that they'll talk to the principal first thing tomorrow. Dave goes back to his room, gets ready for bed, and goes to sleep with a smile on his face because even if he's not a 'cool' kid, at least his not a stoner.
And...scene.
Wassup Hormozian
change your life starting from today and get a bigger penis!
Something about the way this is written reminded me of those goofy after school specials that used to come on in the early to mid 90s. Anyone else remember those? "Hormozian" would be the last name of some little nerd boy with thick glasses and a pocket protector and he'd be standing by his locker, pushing the bridge of his glasses up his nose, staring longingly at the dance squad captain or some other girl "out of his league". Then, the school bully, an Eddie Haskell look-alike perhaps, would appear behind him and say that line, while handing him a bag of pills. Dave (Hormozian) would take the bag and quickly stuff it into his trapperkeeper with the puppies on it, and scoot on down the hall, embarrassed he'd been caught staring.
Later that night, Dave would be getting ready to start his homework when the bag of pills would fall in slow motion out of his trapper and plunk with an exaggerated, echoing thunk onto his desk, illuminated by his desk lamp. He would then, have a 'flash-forward' where he would consider the future. Take the pill and he would be instantly cool. He'd see himself at parties in smoke filled living rooms while parents were out of town, sitting next to dance squad girl while she smokes a fat one, then taking a hit himself and passing it on to some faceless kid at the party. He would imagine all the kids laughing as he looks around the room, the laughter getting more shrill and his vision (the camera) panning faster and faster around the faces until it was spinning out of control and the laughter was so shrill it was screaming. Then, Dave would snap out of this, obviously spooked by the flinch and shiver combo he does.
Finally, Dave would go downstairs with the bag behind his back to his parents. He'd place the bag slowly on the coffee table and say "I need to talk". Mr. and Mrs. Hormozian would look at each other, wondering is Dave had found their stash, but he confesses, spilling the whole day out for them through a few tears. They Tell him how proud they are of him, and that they'll talk to the principal first thing tomorrow. Dave goes back to his room, gets ready for bed, and goes to sleep with a smile on his face because even if he's not a 'cool' kid, at least his not a stoner.
And...scene.
Amelia at 10:05 AM
4 Comments:
So do the parents take the stuff for their own use???
Mr. Hormozian tossed them in the trash, spooked that his kid knew right from wrong better than he did. But, in the middle of the night, Mrs. Hormozian snuck them into her coupon drawer and was later seen by Gladys Sheppard, that nosy neighbor with the telescope, crushing up a small white substance and adding it to a coffee cup. We can only assume, it was for Mr. Hormozian.
I also heard that Mrs. Hormozian no longer thinks she couldn't live without the internet. ;)
Wow. That's the greatest thing I've seen all day. And I've had a GREAT day, so that's saying something.
Thanks Katya! I'm glad you liked it.
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