Palpatations

Since yesterday, my heart has been beating like that of a kittens, so rapid I can barely feel it in my chest. My legs have been weak, feeling like a doe's legs, ready to give way at any moment. I've been very 'jumpy' for lack of a better word, the smallest sound will make the palpatations even worse, and I have to close my eyes to keep from crying. I think my body is trembling. My stomach feels like there is a teenage girl inside it, about to ask her first crush to dance. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me last night, but it dawned on me today that this has happened before.

I'm afraid.

Sometimes, when things are more than a little stressful, I get worried, then scared. I sleep on the couch because for some reason I'm scared to sleep in my room. I worry that my whole world will just crumbe beneath me like wet sand. holding me long enough to get a sense of security, then giving way, dropping me into this big unknown void I can't quite place.

I'm sure things will be fine. In fact, I can't even really place the reason for this worry. It's not money, not my mother, not any of my friends, Not you (though I do fret over you sometimes). Work isn't causing me a big sense of alarm, though they did close the other shoppe, and I'm not sure if they are going to keep this one open. But, a job is a job. If this one leaves, I'll get another. While I won't have as much freedom as I had with this job, I'd get used to it. I simply can't place my finger on why I'm so upset.

So please, guys, if you have any bad news, or trauma, please save it for a while. After 3pm, things might be looking up. But do me a favor and check with me before you drop any bombs, okay?


We don't even have to talk about this. In fact, you don't even have to respond if you like. That's okay. I just needed to talk to you. Get this off my trembling chest. Now, I'm going to go back to counting the beats of my heart.

Sparrow

It was a chilly fall day when the farmer spied the little sparrow lying on it's back in the middle of his field. The farmer stopped his plowing, looked down at the frail, feathered creature and inquired, "Why are you lying upside down like that?"

"I heard the sky is going to fall today," replied the bird. The farmer chuckled.

"And I suppose your spindly little legs can hold up the sky?"

"One does what one can." Replied the sparrow.

Untitled

Due to how much press and controversy this issue has spawned, I'm leaving the names and all information that would lead you directly to what I'm talking about out of this post. This is in hopes that there will be none of the major discussion/arguements/lame stabs at humor that I've been seeing as of late. I didn't want to say anything at all about it (not out loud at least), but it's been praying too much on my mind not to mention something about it.

I'm sorry that this happened.
I'm sorry about the pain it's caused.
I'm sorry about the fighting.
I'm sorry it can't be resolved mutually.
I'm sorry I can't help you.

Lola

"Lola"

(Preface: When I wake up in the morning, rather than pop right out of bed and start the day, I usually lay in bed a few moments, waiting for the dream-induced fog to lift from my brain. While I'm doing this, I tend to think. A lot. I'm amazed at the thoughts that come forth during this time. They are always things I've forgotten over the years and they've usually been put away for a good long while. But, rather than let them float around in my brain, I've decided to put them to use. Some things will be hard to put in story form, but I feel like I need to do this to (hopefully) flush them out. I could have kept them to myself, but being a fan of the (any)written word, I decided to share. So share or don't. It's your call)


Junior year of high school, I had what I believe to be the biggest variety of friends that I'd ever had or have had since. One group of friends delighted me almost as much as my "posse" (which will appear in latter pieces. We were the "Home Ec. Crew" as dubbed by our teacher. This group consisted of four girls who'd spent the previous semester getting to know one another in a similar class. Myself as well as long time friend Sara and new acquaintance, Shawna were involved in the group. But, the best part (for me at least) was Lola. Lola, a sophomore, was quite possibly the most fun friend I've ever had. We didn't look at all alike (she was short where I was tall, she was blonde, where I was jet black) but what we had in common went beyond that. She and I just clicked. We fed off each other. We seemed to have an almost psychic connection to one another. We hung out on occasion usually after school or just chatting on the phone, but we ended up going to basketball games with one another quite often. She and I acquired boyfriends around the same time. Her boyfriend was a promising freshman basketball player, Justin. Mine, was just promising, Brad. She, Brad and I would head to games together (I drove as I was the only one legally able) to watch Justin and the other boys defeat the competition. Sometimes it was just she and I.
This arrangement lasted all season, we watched out boys go on to the state championships. We talked endlessly as we listened to the radio, hoping they'd win (because we couldn't follow them to the games), and when they lost on the second out of three nights of ball, we went out for a consoling ice cream together.
But, when the boys came back, things started to change. The following week at school, another girl in our class pulled me aside to tell me that she'd seen Lola's Justin holding hands with another girl at the movies over the weekend. This girl, Jennifer for future reference, I believed because she had a four year old and husband/boyfriend at home. Why would she lie about something so petty? So I, thinking I was being a good friend by telling her (after all, if it was me, I'd want to know), took Lola aside and broke the news to her. I remember telling her I wasn't POSITIVE it was true, but pointed out my source and her status. Lola, immediately lost it. She cried harder than I'd ever seen anyone cry until then. I hugged her and told her that it would be okay, that we'd get to the bottom of things. I snuck out of class (she'd asked me to do this actually) and pulled Justin out of his class and asked him the hardest question I'd ever had to administer.
"Were you at the movies with Starr this weekend?" I asked him flatly.
He paused a moment, taking a good look at me before he replied.
"No." he said, matching my tone.
I brought him up to date with the happenings of that morning and at the end of my speech, he grabbed my arm and ran with me behind him to my classroom. Lola was still in the lounge where I'd left her. He snuck through the side door and they spoke, well, he spoke, Lola cried, until our teacher discovered him, and threw him back where he'd come from.
In the coming days, Lola and Justin broke up, and then made up. Things were fine between she and I for the first few days after everything had settled, but slowly, she started removing herself from my life. She started off not calling in the evenings when she normally would. Then between classes, she'd stay glued to Justin instead of roaming around as her usual M.O. had been. Finally, I arrived in class early one day and sat down at "our" table. Only, when she came in, she sat on the opposite side of the room. I just stared at her, not being able to move, but realizing what recent events had been leading up to. She looked back at me, and I managed to give her a sad half-smile before looking away. We never met eyes again after that. In fact, we only spoke one time after that. But that's another story for another day.
I've kicked myself so many times in the years since that's happened. I'm not even sure if they are still speaking. Statistically speaking, it's unlikely. I wish I hadn't said anything to her, or at least had waited to get 'all the facts' before even mentioning it. But that wish and a nickel will buy you a piece of gum at the general store. It's pointless to wish I'd done it differently. I did it this way, and lost a great friend. That's what matters.

For this story's sake, and let's face it, out of curiosity, I googled Lola. There was exactly one match for the girl I was looking for. At age 16, She had filled out a questionnaire in someone's slam book. I skimmed all the replies, but stopped short on the last one. My breath caught and my heart tightened a bit as I read it. The question asked he "What's the best thing in your life right now?" She replied simply "My boyfriend". I realized then, why it had been so important to leave me behind. Even though I hadn't meant to, I almost took that away from here.
Even though this was one of the 'great losses' of my life, I learned not to give advice regarding the personal lives of friends. And I haven't. Not one time since. Lesson Learned.

The Time Traveler's Wife

I'm faltering. I don't know how much longer I'll be able to take it. It's not what you think, so stop your disproportionate thinking. It's trivial. And it hurts.


And for your enjoyment, since I cannot entertain you today, an excerpt from one of my favorite books, "The Time Traveler's Wife" by Audrey Niffenigger:


Clare: It's hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he's okay. It's hard to be the one who stays.

I keep myself busy. Time goes faster that way.

I go to sleep alone, and wake up alone. I take walks. I work until I'm tired. I watch the wind play with the trash that's been under the snow all winder. Everything seems simple until you think about it. Why is love intensified by absence?

Long ago, men went to sea, and women waiting for them, standing on the edge of the water, scanning the horizon for the tiny ship. Now, I wait for Henry. He vanishes unwillingingly, without warning. I wait for him. Each moment that I wait feels like a year, an eternity. Each moment I can see infinite moments lined up, waiting. Why has he gone where I cannot follow?



Henry: How does it feel? How does it feel?

Sometimes it feels as though your attention has wandered for just an instant. Then, with a start, you realize that the book you were holding, the red plaid cotton shirt white buttons, the favorite black jeans with an almost-hole in one heel, the living room the about to whistle tea kettle in the kitchen, all of these have vanished. You are standing, naked as a jaybird, up to your ankles in ice water in a ditch along an unidentified rural route. You wait a minute to see if maybe you will just snap right back to you book, your apartment, et cetera. After about five minutes of swearing and shivering and hoping to hell you can just disappear, you start walking in any directions, which will eventually yield a farmhouse, where you have the option of stealing or explaining. Stealing will sometimes land you in jail, but explaining is more tedious and time-consuming and involves lying anyway, and also sometimes results in being hauled off to jail, so what the hell.

Sometimes you feel as thought you have stood up to quickly even if you are lying in bed half asleep. You hear blood rushing in your head, feel vertiginous falling sensations. Your hands and feet are tingling and then they aren't there at all. You've mislocated yourself again. It only takes an instant, you have just enough time to try to hold on, to flail around, (possibly damaging yourself or valuable possessions.) and then you are skidding across the forest-green-carpeted hallway of a Motel 6 in Athens, Ohio at 4:16 am., Monday, August 6, 1981, and you hit your head on someone's door, causing this person, a Ms. Tina Schulman from Philadelphia, to open this door and start screaming because there's a naked, carpet-burned man passed out at her feet.

Sometimes you feel euphoric. Everything is sublime and has an aura and suddenly you are intensely nauseated and then you are gone.

How does it feel?

It feels exactly like one of those dreams in which you suddenly realize that you have to take a test you haven't studied for and you aren't wearing any clothes. And you've left your wallet at home.

When I am out there, in time, I am inverted, changed into a desperate version of myself. I become a thief, a vagrant, an animal who runs and hides. I startle old women and amaze children. I am a trick, an illusion of the highest order, so incredible that I am actually true.

Clare, always Clare. Clare in the morning, sleepy and crumple-faced. Clare with her arms plunging into the papermaking vat, pulling up the mold and shaking it so, and so, to meld the fibers. Clare reading, with her hair hanging over the back of the chair, massaging balm into her hands before bed. Clare's low voice in my ear often.

I hate to be where she is not, when she is not. And yet, I am always going, and she cannot follow.




Buy it. Now.

Outline Weekend

This weekend:

-Tessa and her boyfriend made up.
A) That's nice

-I went to a party (if you can call it that..was incredibly boring) in my home town.
A) I got my first hangover from said party
B) I was not drunk at any point during the party

-I had my very first banana split
A) YUM.

-I read an entire book in one sitting
A) Good reading.
B) Next monthes bookclub stuff;Complete.

-I had a long think session with myself, trying to figure out what I was doing with a particular aspect of my existance.
A) If affects a lot of other aspects though.
B) I had a lot of questions.
C) Is it okay to be afraid of love (even if it's simply because you're afraid someone won't say it back)?
D) When is it okay to say "I can't do this anymore", "I can't take not knowing what's going to happen next"?
E) Is it wrong to feel you'd rather be disappointed (for sure) now, rather than (uncertainly) smashed later?


-Figured out that the Family Guy, Peter Griffin's porn star name Brain Spooner.
A) If you figure out how I got that, I'll send you a cookie.
B) I only learned of this concept this weekend
C) A nine year old told me how.

-Had a few insomniatic nights
A) Had really weird dreams on these nights.
B) On Friday, I dreamed I was part of the cast of "Everybody Loves Raymond"
C) My mother was Marie
D) I think that was oddly appropriate.

80 Things I Love About The 80s

In response to the request on Bobbie's blog, I've put together a list of 80 things I love about the 80's. I'm sure there are more than that, but That's all I'm going to allow myself to give at this particular juncture. In no particular order:
80) The Breakfast Club
79) Strawberry Shortcake
78) Big, Bright colored belts
77) "Jelly" Bracelets
76) Big earrings
75) OP clothing
74) My neon ruffled skirt (worn as a child)
73) ALF
72) "Come On Eileen" Dexie's Midnight Runners
71) The Computer game about the little plumber...was like a maze (no clue what it is though)
70) Quiet Riot
69) JabberJaw
68) Lemonade Stand (I rocked that game)
67) "Keep On Loving You" REO Speedwagon
66) The Kool-Aid man
65) Kids incorporated
64) Snorks
63) Paper Boy
62) The Dukes Of Hazard
61) "Betty Davis Eyes" Kim Carnes
60) Remote Control on MTV
59) Remote Control the computer game
58) "Dirty Laundry" Don Hendley
57) You Can't Do That On Television
56) Stickers
55) NKTOB
54) The Neuge!
53) Whistle Pops
52) She-Ra
51) Night Court
50) "Centerfold" J Geils Band
49) "Who Can It Be Now" Men At Work
48) Johnny Depp
47) Care Bears
46) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
45) Guess Who
44) A-Ha
43) Easy Bake Oven
42) Cabbage Patch Kids
41) Lucas
40) Baby Alive
39) Comic Books
38) Billy Idol
37) "Tainted Love" Soft Cell
36) Slinky
35) Rainbow Brite
34) The Lost Boys
33)Punky Brewster (ahhh those shoes!)
32) Hair Bands
31) NINTENDO
30) Robert Palmer
29) Pee Wee's Playhouse
28) Pop Rocks
27) Mouse Trap
26) Full House
25) Skip It
24) Mick Jagger
23) Play-Doh
22) Empty Nest
21) Garbage Pail Kids (sometimes you can still get the cards at Wal-Mart)
20) Poison
19) My pink and white Puffalump ball guy thing (what were they supposed to be anyway?)
18) Jelly Belly Jelly Beans
17) "Where In The World Is Carmen Sandiego?" Books
16) Bazooka Joe Fortunes
15) Friday the 13th computer game
14) My Little Pony
13) Frankenberry Cereal
12) Ghostbusters
11) Nerds
10) Operation
09) Scrunchees (Not sure on the spelling of this one)
08) "I Can't Go For That" Hall and Oates
07) Bon Jovi
06) Gummi Bears (the show, but the candy is good too)
05) Skateboarding
04) Polly Pocket (Third Grade Wouldn't have been the same without her)
03) My Purple and White Huffy
02) The Golden Girls
01) ME!
And Now, ten random facts about me:
1) I have a sprained wrist right now
2) I'm left handed
3) I wear glasses
4) I'm from Kentucky, live in West Virginia (for college going purposes) but secretly want to live in Alabama (and have no idea why)
5) I think I want to be an english teacher but I'm torn between that and being a psychologist
6) I run a gift shop for someone from my hometown
7) Office supplies make me happy
8) My best friend's name is Tessa
9) I love purses and shoes
10) I'm more shy than I come across