Alone

Last week, my mom brushed lips with death. She came very close to losing her life over something that seemed pretty insignificant-a chest cold. She had been in the hospital the week prior to the ordeal for a pre-op stress test. She went back with Congestive Heart Failure and an infection in her blood so bad that it made her completely forget who I am. I took her to the ER last Thursday to find these things out. The surgery she was having the pre-op testing for has been postponed several times over the last two months, for extra cautious testing and illness. Now, (and possibly before as well) she will be losing her left foot. The only thing she possibly will keep is her heel, and even that is probably not happening. Worst case scenario would be losing all of it, plus an additional 3-4 inches above her ankle. Prosthetics are available after both surgeries, but she may or may not be able to use them. She'll be completely out of commission for about six weeks, and will go to rehab for some help learning to live without a part of her body. I will have six weeks to make my home wheel-chair accessible, which means I basically have six weeks to move to a place with no stairs. All by myself. Even after all that she may end up in a 'rest home'.

Needless to say, the last few weeks have been hard. When I haven't been working or at the hospital, I've been worrying or worrying until I finally just pass out from exhaustion-usually in the middle of a conversation with Brandon. While HB has gotten used to it, I haven't. Nor have I gotten used to bursting into tears in the middle of the afternoon when I spot a happy mother/daughter duo in my rear-view mirror.

I can't cry in front of my mom. It might break her heart. I know when she does, it breaks mine.

All I can do is make sure she knows that no matter what happens, that she's going to be okay. That we are going to be okay. Then I'll hold her hand and hope someone stops by to hold mine. I think I'm going to be needing some of that.